Normally when there's a noticeable hiatus from this blog, it means things are going well.
And they were. I really had my shit together for a solid few months. Which, granted, doesn't seem like an extremely long time. But we're talking really had it together. In the midst of making new friends and having hopeful direction for the future, for the first time in my life I felt I'd moved past the need for dating. I felt so fulfilled in all other areas of my life that I didn't see a need for it. I lost interest, and left it at that.
A month and a half later, that plan got seriously derailed. Everything hurts and feels a little bit hopeless.
I have to laugh, really. It's roughly the second anniversary since I made this blog, the idea coming from spending that summer losing my mind over a woman who didn't want me. You'll find a similar blog post from last year depicting some of the same feelings of unworthiness. And now it's happened again, when I was least expecting it. I wonder if there will ever be an August I'm not spending at a loss, full of feelings that don't really have any place.
It's a tricky one - feeling like you have lots to say but no real way of saying it. I've been questioning how I got myself back in this position, furious that I didn't keep myself to myself and stick to the goals I'd set out for my year. Especially after I'd made such a strong start. I've undoubtedly said this before, but things feel different this time.
Firstly, I'm not left with the doubt of whether I'm "enough". Of course I am. Although no one else seems to see it, I am very well aware of just how much I have to offer other people. In a nutshell, I'm pretty fucking great. The doubt now is that I'm not where I "should" be in my life, not too dissimilar from my last post. After a few weeks of almost constant anxiety about it, I think that's bull. Contrary to social blueprint, there's no one set way of how to be a mid twenty-something. There's no set way to look, place to live, relationships to have. None of that really determines your worth - whether you work on yourself as a person does.
I don't really feel an intense need to work and heal myself. I'm not talking about the kind of personal growth that I feel should be infinite and never-ending, always striving to make yourself your best version. I've put a solid 18 months into that of late, and counting. I mean more in a restorative sense, looking to heal, fix some flaw that you've gleaned isn't working if people have decided to leave. Instead, I'm sort of at a loss. I have all these feelings - feelings for someone else, feelings about myself, about my future - that I don't know what to do with. I'm too exhausted from life as a whole to deal with them, even if I knew what to do. This isn't a kind of exhaustion I've ever felt before. Physical, mental, professional and personal have all combusted and intersected simultaneously, and I'm left facing a long period of resting and picking up what's left.
I guess this all stings more because I'm acutely aware of what I now don't have. When you meet someone who's easily the most beautiful being you've ever set your eyes on, it really notices when they're no longer there. You want to show them what they're missing, know how they are, what they're doing, if they're thinking of you. You close your eyes and only see the times with them that made you feel like you were the only person in their world. Previously, in these instances, I'd never let the situation lie. I'd send that message I probably shouldn't have, try and insert myself into somewhere I'm not wanted. It's really a testament to my ongoing work on my personal communication, boundaries and sense of self that this time, I'm refraining from it all.
The wounds are still fresh, so I can't be too hard on myself for how I feel. I hurt for different reasons, but mainly because I was so sure this was "it". I actually had valid reasoning to think that. Even though these situations were likely to be ones that required time, growth and a lot of open communication, I was willing to make any effort I needed to, to try. In a way, those situations work for me. I'm the polar opposite of a U-Haul stereotype. There are a lot of qualities I might want in someone else, but I know that I only need two - patience and understanding. In abundance.
I've made a conscious decision not to date for the foreseeable future (hopefully something I'll get to talk about properly in an future article). I don't have any interest in meeting or connecting to someone else. I know who I want and I know I can't have them, but it's more than that. I've been thinking that it’s not me who wasn't ready for dating, but more that the current dating environment isn't ready for me. I certainly don't think I can handle another round of "I'm not ready for a relationship". I have a rough plan of how long to consciously stay away from the dating world. I'm already proud of myself for not immediately caving, which I know I'd have previously done, even though I wouldn't want to be there. In essence - as long as possible. Instead, I'm resting and focussing any energy I do have (not much) on my original 2021 priorities - building friendships, work, myself. Maybe I'll write a play. Maybe, if I'm lucky, one day things will work themselves out and I'll get what I didn't this time. But I'm in no rush to fill that void in the meantime.
