[this is a sort of part 2 to this article I wrote last year].
The other day, I did the 16 personalities test (prompted by a very cute girl I was talking to). My results came back categorising me as an 'Advocate'. Quiet, self-contained but is heavily motivated by values. I think it sums me up quite well. Or I did.
Since I turned 26 in the beginning of February, life seems to be taking quite a steep decline downhill. Each week since has become progressively more stressful - the only way I can seem to get through each day is if I have it heavily planned out. That coupled with the obvious sanity-absorbing environment that is a national lockdown has provided a perfect climate for breaking point. And I did. Quite badly.
A couple of days ago I was driving to pick up some food, started crying and haven't really stopped since. I feel stuck. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've lost a big sense of who I am for a number of reasons. The most pressing thing on my mind each day is that I don't know 'what comes next'. My MA finishes in a few months time and I have no idea where to go from there, let alone already feeling socially anxious by the impending national changes to get back to 'normal'. I don't really fit anywhere as it is - I've worked freelance remotely for about four years, so have no solid work environment or friends. I work in different industries, rather than having one professional direction. I've lost drive for my studies and the path I tried to set myself on two years ago.
Today being International Women's Day adds another layer of uncertainty to my onion. I feel like I am not being present enough. As a woman, as an ally, as an LGBTQIA+ community member. I should be doing more than I am and I feel a call to action inside me. But how do you deliver on that when you not only don't know where to place your energy, but can barely have enough of it to get you through a day?
What I've done broken the golden rule - compared myself to others. It's quite hard not to when every time you scroll through a social feed, you're presented with a 20yr old journalist securing another commission, people successfully pioneering new businesses, those 'activist influencers' still managing to do their work while living in the same conditions as you. As I've explored before, you have to look after yourself before you can help anyone else. But it doesn't help to hear that anymore.
It's a big priority of mine to make sure I'm not putting myself at the centre of everyone's stories. I want my role in life to be the podium itself rather than being on it. And I'm never too sure how to navigate that. I think a big part of why is because I don't have a set role, interest or community. I'm not established in any type of industry to build a community, I'm not knowledgable enough to speak on 90% of topics, I'm not confident enough to assert myself in the role of influencer (nor do I think I want to). I'm one girl, who has a thirst to transform my belief into action, who wants to hear the opinions of all and constantly be learning from them. A lot of this I work on, but there's a real collective drive to get beyond just diversifying your reading.
The one person I admire who does this so well is Gina Martin. A similar kind of girl to me, she shares her learning, creates calls to action and lifts the voices of others without centering herself in the issue, or limiting herself to one topic. She's also given a few ideas of how to plan for future action:
- Share my learnings. I'm always a bit overly conscious of over-posting on social feeds, but I think I need to get over that and share more of what I'm learning about... particularly bringing that beyond the temporary nature of Insta stories.
- Offer what you can do for free to those who need it. This is my favourite suggestion of the bunch. I can write and create digital work, which is something I can offer to campaigns and causes I want to support - even more so as I get more free time.
- Find my community. This one is going to take a little more time, but my dream is to be a cog in a bigger community working towards achieving change.
- Donate on a regular basis. As we know, money is power, but not a part of my life that I'm secure in. When I sit down to work out the big 'next steps', I want to make sure this is an area I account for.
It's a cliche, but I'm at a big personal crossroads. I know I need to push myself through these next few months, and I need to accept that it's okay to not have all the answers to the questions that are coming my way. Perhaps I also need to accept that I'm just not in a mental position to do any more can try to keep myself healthy and sane, despite hating the idea of only acting in my interests. If you see this, please keep me accountable. I have to get myself out of this mess somehow, and with time I hope to see improvement - mentally and circumstancially. Growth comes from discomfort... I just can't see a way out yet.
